This week, I launch ‘His Wild Dreams’, a new online portal dedicated to revealing (and unearthing possible meanings) behind my other half’s often bizarre nightly mind-stirrings. The one about our neighbour having Fear and Loathing-style lizard legs as he became a voyeur in front of an all-female crowd he hadn’t even spotted outside his car window is just a taster of what’s to come. I’ve amassed a collection of about fifty dreams so far: some are amazingly dark, freakily weird, painfully funny or just downright sickening; others might be poignant, creepy or contain a touch of real-life intrigue. All of them are 100% classic and they’re ready to be unleashed on a niche market.

Dreams are something I’ve always wanted to write about, but I don’t want to go down the new-age route of over-interpretation. I want any analysis to be genuinely what me and him talked about after he had the dream and usually that means funny. I want the descriptions to be honest and without exaggeration. So I’m recording everything my partner says verbatim. No hidden additions. This time, although it pains me, zero fiction.

Right now I’m listening to a track by a renowned South American flautist and the track is called ‘Brilliant Darkness’. It’s full of strange blips, squirms and off-beat rhythms. The dreams I plan to share with you are a bit like that – as packed of odd stuff as a swimming pool full of drunk chickens. Dreams that will rattle your brain.

The man behind this madness is a very ordinary one. By day he works a job in computer science. By night he does a bit more computer science or watches TV. But, believe me, his dreams are as eye-widening as a Trinidad Scorpion chilli. I know because I wake up most nights in the dark hours just to write them down.

The first offering, ‘The Californian Squeeze’, is just a simple, weird dream anybody could have. It starts, “I’m excited. It’s nice and warm outside and I’m going to be staying at a beach house, right on the beach. I can’t see it yet, but I’m on my way there and the weather’s really great. There’s a wood full of trees between me and the beach, but I know there’s a beach beyond the wood because I can hear the waves. I can hear the calming ocean…” It’s kind of cool, but it’s also weird and funny and you can read it now, in full, right here.

When you get to the website, you can also click on the top right-hand menu to receive new dreams direct to your inbox. Life can get boring now and then, so jazz it up a bit with someone else’s Wild Dreams.