Tony & “Tarantula”

Tony is sat working at his grey desk in the grey office he shares with thirty other accountants. At exactly four thirty, he will turn fifty. Tony’s wife, Joyce, is standing on the parquet floor of the kitchen in their semi-detached bungalow that very moment baking his favourite cake – the one topped with butterscotch…

Belly Man & The Bedridden Internet Guru

My partner of twenty years is obsessed with the size of his belly at the moment. Is this something that happens to all forty-year-old men? He complains daily that he can’t fit into the trousers or shorts he slid into six months ago and wears most garments with the top button opened, blaming tightness in…

The Monkey’s Rump

My other half says that, if the average cat licks its bottom for five minutes or so every day, then it spends a total of about twenty-one days across its entire lifetime with its tongue glued to its asshole. He now assures me this fact is both useful and pleasant to visualise. I disagree wholeheartedly….

I Wonder If That’s Why Cavemen Cooked Outside

(And Other Stuff I Thought About On A Train) Life’s been getting too complex for my liking recently. A new job. (A critical boss.) An irritating neighbour. (A lot of noise.) A relative fallen ill. (No one liked her anyway.) A cat-fighting problem. (They’re kittens and they haven’t learned that biting hurts yet.) To get…

His Wild Dreams

This week, I launch ‘His Wild Dreams’, a new online portal dedicated to revealing (and unearthing possible meanings) behind my other half’s often bizarre nightly mind-stirrings. The one about our neighbour having Fear and Loathing-style lizard legs as he became a voyeur in front of an all-female crowd he hadn’t even spotted outside his car…