When Marcus Got Lost On Mars, I Analysed His Footprints

A boss bad-mouthing his employees went viral today. “We bring together skilled professionals to help businesses and careers succeed. It’s more than a job, it’s our craft.” – Mars Recruitment website First basic mistake: careers can’t succeed. They’re concepts; they can’t even breathe. Second big mistake: these skilled professionals are ‘directed’ by a Marcus Wood,…

When I Met: A Girl On Acid & A Man With A Secret

The difference between my life now and my life at Uni could not be more pronounced. I used to think nothing of waking up at noon after a heavy night, getting in a few extra hours of sleep in a chemistry lecture, grabbing a snack of fish-finger sandwiches, starting work in the bar in the…

Belly Man & The Bedridden Internet Guru

My partner of twenty years is obsessed with the size of his belly at the moment. Is this something that happens to all forty-year-old men? He complains daily that he can’t fit into the trousers or shorts he slid into six months ago and wears most garments with the top button opened, blaming tightness in…

The Monkey’s Rump

My other half says that, if the average cat licks its bottom for five minutes or so every day, then it spends a total of about twenty-one days across its entire lifetime with its tongue glued to its asshole. He now assures me this fact is both useful and pleasant to visualise. I disagree wholeheartedly….

I Wonder If That’s Why Cavemen Cooked Outside

(And Other Stuff I Thought About On A Train) Life’s been getting too complex for my liking recently. A new job. (A critical boss.) An irritating neighbour. (A lot of noise.) A relative fallen ill. (No one liked her anyway.) A cat-fighting problem. (They’re kittens and they haven’t learned that biting hurts yet.) To get…